Halloween ~ again

Being English, and a Christian, I find myself a little uncomfortable with the whole Halloween celebration thing.   I am however quite aware that a lot of my sisters on both sides of the Atlantic take the opportunity to dress in a way that they feel they could not at any other time.   Indeed it seems to me that the whole thing has become a combination of a fancy dress party with the added opportunity to demand money with menaces.

 

I am actually rather glad that I will be away in Malta on the night, we have been there a couple of times at this time of year and it does not seem to have gained the popularity it has over here.

 

If you do celebrate Halloween, I hope you enjoy yourselves, if you don't I hope you won't find those who do intrusive

In Paul's footsteps

Post Prepared on Wednesday the 10th October and saved for publication while I am on Holiday

Saint Paul's Bay, Malta

On Wednesday mornings I attend a small group that meets at my Church to read a short passage from the Bible and pray out of what we have read.   We very often read a Psalm (Father X the cross dressing Vicar in "Psalm Like It Hot"), this morning we read a bit from Acts, the bit where Paul in shipwrecked in Malta.   I'm afraid that my main thoughts were not particularly holy, I was just thinking I hope my journey there is a bit less traumatic.

I have, again, been thinking a bit recently about how I reconcile my cross-dressing and my faith, well I suppose the first thing is that this is how I am, how God made me and I should celebrate His creation.   Again like Paul maybe I would prefer to have been made differently but this is who and what I am.   Further I believe that we should seek to glorify God in everything we do, so I should be seeking to Glorify my God even in my cross-dressing. Mmm tricky that one, but not impossible.

Just as I am a Musician, a Parent a Spouse and a Cross-dresser, so I am a Christian.   I cannot accept that any of these are mutually exclusive and I will continue to do and be each of them the best I can, and to glorify God in all of them.

J S Bach said that the sole purpose of music is to glorify the name of God.

Children versus shoes.

Prepared on the 13th October for publication while I'm on Holiday

 

I saw this and though I just had to share it with you all.  

 

 

I'm not sure that my desire shoes is that strong, but I do find them to be some of the hardest purchases to resist.   I have 10 pairs of girl shoes and 4 pairs of boots; against 6 pairs of boy shoes and 4 pairs f boots.   I think the difference shows up most in the boots the girl boots all have heels, are all stylish black leather, the boy boots, 2 pairs of steel toecap working boots, 1 pair of motorcycle bots, and 1 pair of wellies! ~ Girl shoes are just more fun.

More Answers

Prepared on the 13th October for later publication while I'm on Holiday

Way back last month I did a post answering some questions, a couple of my answers were a bit ambiguous.   The bit I'm thinking of was this

4. Do you like your life right now? YES

5. What was the last lie you told? The answer to the last question

So am I happy with my life right now?   Right now I am on Holiday so I hope I am happy, but slightly more broadly, not so sure.   If I look at where my life was around two years ago I was struggling with my cross dressing and with my finances, as a consequence my relationship with my wife was also on rock ground.   I am now largely reconciled with double life as a cross dresser, and I have my finances under control (ish).   I am still heavily in dept, but the amount is reducing in a steady controlled and agreed way.

I would like to have more money, I would like to have more time ~ to have to work less intensively, I  would like the opportunity to write more, and to perform more.   However I am generally content with my lot.   My daughter is progressing well, I love her very much and I am very proud of her, and my wife is a gentle generous and strong lady, so why woudl I not like my life right now?    I suspect that maybe I am just one of those people who always want more.

When asked how I am I have been in the habit of replying "Nothing that couldn't be fixed with £20,000 and two weeks in the sun"

I want some

So where can I order

Coffee

Post prepared on Tuesday 9th October, this is old stuff because I'm on Holiday

Yesterday it was raining pretty hard in the morning, so I knew I would not be able to do any garden work.   My schedule was simply catching up on some gardens and then visiting a customer to plan the next stage of a a re-modeling we are doing.   I changed my plans, I sent a text message to y friend B asking if he was around for a cup of coffee, but got no reply, so once my wife and daughter had left I go dressed, this was the morning I re-created the look from my dinner away for these photos.

After my little photo session I changed into something a little more appropriate for the time of day and the season, after lunch I decided to go out.   Wardrobe note I had longish cherry red finger nails and was wearing my black and grey day dress with black court shoes, nearly black stockings black shoulder bag and my long wool overcoat.   I was already out when my friend called, he had just picked up my message and was available to meet up, without think I agreed and went over to pick him up.   As I arrived at his house he was standing outside smoking, looking down the road straight at me, but didn't recognise me!   This was the first time he had seen me in a dress (the previous time he had met Paula I was wearing a trouser suit I wanted to break him in gently) so it may have been that or the hair, any way I find it interesting that he didn't recognise me but my GG friend S did.

We popped into the Nero's in West Wickham for coffee, and had a long chat about his employment prospects, books (I had just finnished Brokeback Mountain which I would recommend, I haven't seen the film yet but the short story is very good) we have been reading and the trip to York we are planing for early next year (as long as he is in gainful employment by then).   It was so very nice to just sit and chat with a friend, feeling comfortable and relaxed dressed how I want.   B was not at all self conscious about what I was wearing so it was a shame when I had to leave to make sure I was not late to meet my customer.

As it happened I had a little time in hand so I popped into a Matalan near by and checked out their wears, I bought myself a new sparkly bracelet ready for the party season (I hope Paula will be asked to some) and this dress ~ I know it is a bit short but I think I ca get away with it if I wear opaque tights, leggings or even skinny jeans.

I'm off soon

I may have mentioned that I am going on Holiday, in fact the whole family is!   This will be our first holiday together for two years, my spouse and daughter, have been away earlier this year and last year, but this will be my first holiday longer than a day since October 2010.   Needless to say I am looking forward to it. 

 

I hope it will be fun and not too stressful, spending some down time together.   By now I should be packed, and hopefully I will be leaving the cat at home!   We will be travelling out from Heathrow this evening, so tomorrow morning we will wake up to warm sunshine, a few over the pool to the Mediterranean, and nothing we have to do for a whole week.

The dangers of sea bathing

Maybe I should stick to the hotel pool while we are away.   That having been said I don't expect that the sea will be very warm, and the beaches are mostly pretty rocky so I expect we will be doing much of sun and water bathing at the hotel anyway.

That having been said, I don't think there are too many sharks around Malta (apart from the ones selling time share).   But just in case I think I will stick to swim shorts, I may not be that large but I am getting increasingly hairy by the day.

 



By now my chest is pretty hairy, but the hair on my legs and arms are still fairly short, I am pretty sure that no one will notice or indeed care, but I think it will make wife happy, which should make the holiday that much happier for all of us.   Anyway we are off tommorow and I am glad, so very glad we are going, I need to relax and it will be so very nice to spend some time as a family.

Fancy a quicky?

Just a quick flying post to say that I am feeling much more positive today.   Despite poor weather yesterday I have more or less finished a job that has been plaguing me for the last two years, as long as the patch holds on the pond liner then I am done.   This is a garden I love, but the original firm who put it all in cut far too many corners, and didn't consider how the planting would look in 10 years.   This has left lots of problems to sort out, we have now almost completed the re-wire of the fountain, pond pump, pond lights and garden lights, installed a new pond pump and and patched the leaks in the liner (wild animal damage).   I have already re-built the front wall and much else, but as log as all this carries on working I will be able to get stuck into the plants when we get back from our holiday.

Also, and more importantly to my mood my wife bought me a little gift yesterday, a pair of earplugs ~ it is not so much the ear plugs as what they mean, an acceptance that she is the cause of some of my problems, she snores I can't sleep, I get ratty and stressed I dress to relieve some of that stress.   Also it is a gift, and one that says I care, I understand and I love you ~ that is good.

I hope to have a longer post later today or tomorrow, I don't know if I will have time for any more before leaving for Malta on Thursday, but I have prepared some posts in advance for while I am away, I hope you will enjoy them.

Down dejected and rejected

That's how I am feeling this morning, that's how I was feeling last night, not sure how I shall cheer myself up, possibly by working, if the weather lets me I have some plants to put in and that always cheers me up.

SO why am I so down, dejected and rejected, well yesterday I had to go out, I needed t buy a few things from a garden centre and while I was out get some groceries as well.   As I had to go out I decided to go out nothing too dramatic but enough to keep me sane for a while.   I returned as planned in time for an early dinner before my wife and daughter went out.   Again as planned I spent this time alone to sort out some of my girls clothes and put them away, and do my ironing for our holiday at the end of the week.    About half an hour after they left I got this text message from my wife

"next time you go out to play dressup (which I pray will be never because we hate it) you clean your makeup off better as we find it very upsetting!!!"

It is not just the sentiment that upsets me and makes me feel rejected as the medium.   It is clear that we cannot talk about this, and that the level of acceptance that I was hoping was beginning to emerge was self delusion.   I have to work out how to deal with this situation, at the moment I can think of no better way than to write my wife a letter.   Try to reassure her of my love and commitment but also explain as much as I can this need to express this side of my nature.   I also need to understand the use of the first person plural, what has she said to our daughter while I have been banned for saying anything?   Where all this will lead I don't know, but then the next stage will then be up to her.

New hose needed

I have spent pretty much all of today working, I don't like working on Saturdays but sometimes it just has to be done.   The frustration today is that we didn't manage to do everything we wanted to.   First I put in a quote for a clearance, I'm waiting to hear if I have got the job or not, the price I gave is enough of an encouragement if I do get it, but I was not keen enough to put in a low price.   I am very lucky at the moment I have enough work to keep me going.

Not this type of hose

After this quote, it was back to trying to fix a pond, that on and off I seem t have been working on for the last two years. today we aimed to wire in a new pump, unfortunately when we started we found that a lot of the garden wiring was somewhere between poor and dangerous, so the whole lot had t be replaced.   B the time it got dark we still hadn't got the pump installed, so this will mean back there again on Monday, and oh yes the pipe had got brittle and cracked, so I need to buy a new hose, and not the type made by Pretty Poly.

So tomorrow I need to get to a garden centre to buy some hose, and then on Monday, I will again have two people working for me in two different locations, and somehow I have to supervise and control the whole lot, when at heart I am mostly thinking about being on Holiday.

Fiddling about

Not that type of Fiddle

I have just been fiddling about with the lay out of the blog.   I have added a search facility and a list of post labels, click on the label and you should get a list of posts that I labeled.   I have also reduced the amount of space taken up by the blog archive, now it is a pull down.

I have removed a couple of my friends blogs as well, not because they are no longer my friends but because the blogs have become inactive, for whatever reason if there is no post for a couple of months I have decided t remove the link.   So basically just a bit of housekeeping to keep things easy to use and up to date ~ I hope I all works.

In a little while I am off to wire in a pond pump ~ ah the exciting weekends I have, and then I must, must get out my toys and do a bit of practise.   I have decided that I will have to use my EEb tuba for our next couple of concerts, and since I haven't played it for several months I had better get in practise on that, and I haven't played the Bass Guitar since last time I used it at Church, so I must try to get a bit better on that as well.   That is my personal musical winter goal this year ~ get competent on the Bass Guitar.

I'm a good girl I am

Well it's Friday evening, I've had a bit of a funny old day, a mix of fun, work, curious conversation a bit of self satisfaction.

My schedule was to spend the day working with S we had a clearance to do first thing, then after lunch we would go and do some of our regular maintenance work.   About two hours into the working day the rain started, and then just got worse and worse, so after three hours we called it a day and "went back to the ranch".   While sitting around, having lunch and chatting we got onto the subject of bras ~ as you do ~ and underwear in general, for example why is it that in the Matalan Catalogue the only type of pants listed under lingerie are thongs or shape wear?   I have to say that it was very nice to be able to talk about these things with somebody who is not at all embarrassed, maybe even a little pleased to have someone to talk with herself.   After lunch it was still raining so we called it a day, I ran S home and then had to go to the bank to pay in some cheques, I was very tempted to go into Debenhams in Croydon to see if they had these, at that price they are a real bargain.   We found that they were on offer as S was reading through my bog and found this post.   I resisted!

Instead I went into West Wickham went to the bank, bought my new diary (I use a 14 month diary, much easier for work and music commitments) then I just had to go round the charity shops.   I bought a couple of cord work shirts, a belt bag for my mobile phone etc. a jewelry roll (could be useful) and some clip on earrings.   I resisted buying, or indeed even trying on some killer heels, the Sense shop has two pairs in my size both with heels which must be 4 inches or more, one in black with off white piping and the other silver strappy sandals!   If those sandals are still there next week I don't know if I will be able to resist, after all the party season is about to start!

Gosh

I find myself in a bit of strange place just at the moment.   I am very busy with work, my daughter is very busy with school work, and my wife busy and not feeling well.   This means that I am doing lots of the cooking and housework, well more than usual anyway.

With all the preparations for going away as well I find I am very much focused on the holiday, yet I still can't help my mind turning to trans matters, watching what people are wearing, talking about these things with the few people I can, and wanting to get dressed and go out.   Having made my decision to let my body hair grow if I do get to go out I shall have to be selective as to what I wear, but I do not expect to be going out before we get back.   Last night I cleaned the polish off my toe nails, along with my increasingly hairy legs and armpits I don't feel or think that I look very feminine at the moment, but that doesn't stop me thinking.........

A bit of an odd one this, but earlier this week my wife bought some new bras. Her old ones were all turning grey and sagging, very sad! It had got to the point where I had threatened that if she didn't buy some new ones for herself I would buy them for her. She was sufficiently frightened of what I would buy that she did get some for herself. For the first time she bought some under-wire bras, and then spent most of the next day complaining about them. I have only ever had under-wired and found them perfectly comfortable, but then I don't "need" a bra. And by the way I will not be borrowing hers, they are 44G, (I didn't know there was such a size! G for Gosh?) I use 38C

Now I find that every GG I can talk to about such things prefers soft cup bras, yet every store I go into seems to have about 10 under-wired bras for every one that isn't, so who is buying them all?   I suspect that I am getting close to having more bras than my wife, and I do prefer underwired, yet that can't be true of every household.

That's not me in the photo but it is he last bra I bought for myself, I also bought matching panties and suspender belt, nice.

But he's a Dragon

The wizard has got it wrong, he's a dragon not a vulture

 

You will find over the next few weeks that I have prepared quite a few of my posts in advance, and a lot of them are based on cartoons; I like cartoons they cheer me up each morning as I get my fix, and sometimes as the day progresses they inspire, or at least influence my post.   The thing is that as I am going on holiday soon (I may have mentioned this before) I am very busy getting ahead of myself with work so I can take the time off, as well as all the usual hectic lifestyle stuff I seem to have adopted. 

 

Today (Tuesday) I had to take my daughter to school, afterwards I went to the bank, and as I had a little time on my parking I popped into Primark, this is not a store I usually patronise, but I did manage to pick up a couple of pairs of work trousers (I have been finding it quite hard to find the colour I like in a size that fits) some plain black socks, and some quite naughty fashion tights.   So far I have one Christmas "do" that I have been invited to that will involve dressing up (my support group Christmas dinner) and hope to have a Company Christmas dinner as well (but that will only be three or four people).   As the party season approaches I find I have the frocks and the sparklies, I just need the occasion to wear them.

 



It's a job

It is indeed a tough ecconomy just now, as an indication of that today I will have two people working for me, my two good friends B and S both have degrees (I think both actually have Masters) but they will be labouring for a landscape gardener.   Still it's better than working in a call centre.

 

After work today I will be visiting my osteopath before going to a band rehearsal, it just crossed mind that each time I have seem him over the last year or so I have not only been underdressing, complete with a full range of toe nail polish, but have also been as cleanly shaved as I have been able to maintain.   This last week or so since I got home from my weekend away is longest time I have not shaved other than my face for quite some time.   I am sure he will be far to polite to mention it but I am sure he will notice ~ it would be hard not to. 

Cute Shoes

Well a cute pair of shoes can certainly cheer me up, whether they are for me, or just below a well turned ankle, a nice shoe is a joy to behold.   Meg tells me here that 25% of American Women have more than 50 pairs of shoes, I know I have referred to this before, but I am still amazed.   I mentioned this statistic at the support group meeting on Saturday night and one of the girls said that she had something like that in her closet.  

We had quite a discussion on shoes, it seems that I'm not the only girl who has a bit of a fascination with shoes.   For me shoes are an important part of expressing my femininity, I think it may be because when I was a lot ( lot!) younger it wasn't too hard to come by various feminine garments, but shoes needed to be purchased, this meant saving money up, and then overcoming the terror of actually going out and buying some.   These days it is only finance and space that stop me buying more.

Although that is not strictly true, when I was first gaining in confidence and starting to go out I would buy pretty much any shoes that I saw in a charity shop in my size.   This did lead me into some very poor choices, but I am trying to be much more selective now, only buying shoes that I both like, and will have a chance to wear.   At the moment I fancy a pair of very fashionable low heeled "riding" style boots, it's just that I don't want to part with any of my favorite limbs in order to be able to afford them.

Fallen Heroes

While Jimmie Savile was never a hero to me, he was to many.   We know he did much to make a lot of people's lives better, he managed to help many youngsters achieve things they never thought possible, and raised funds to help others.   All that now seems to be forgotten as more and more of his other activities come to light.   I am slightly uncomfortable with some of what I am hearing, it seems clear that many people either knew, or suspected, about his hidden side but stayed quiet, the other thing that I hear, and recognise is that the culture of the time was different.   Certainly sexism in the work place was rampant, but physical sexual abuse was never acceptable, even though in many cases it seems to have happened and then been covered up.   I know that in the current climate this may not be a popular view, the media have caught the current of opinion and are carrying out a witch hunt, Savile's reputation and memory are to be changed from white to black, from hero to villain, yet all that good he did is still done, like most of us he was a combination of good and bad, it's just that his bad was much worse than most, but then his good was better than most of us as well.

On the other hand Lance Armstrong is a hero.   Sure it now seems clear that he used chemical help to accomplish at least some of his amazing achievements, but lets remember the state of the sport at the time, it is quite clear that all the major teams were operating in the same manner, and that the sports governing bodies condoned this by their lack of action.   As a professional sport the competitors effectively had to to cheat in order to compete, this was not the fault of the competitors or the coaches, but the governing bodies.   Lets remember that Lance Armstrong is not just a remarkable cyclist, not just a remarkable sports man, but a remarkable man.   His achievements as a man not just as a sports man are truly heroic, I think it will be a great shame, and the world will be diminished if he is to be consigned to the ranks of the cheats and failures.

I had hoped to find a link to a video clip of his cameo in "Dodgeball" but it appears that Fox has blocked them all, so this is part of his speech there, I think it pretty much sums the guy up.

"Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that’s keeping you from the finals?"

Saturday Morning

It seemed like a waste of that lovely big bed to sleep in it on my own, but I slept well, and exclusively on my usual side of the bed.   My bed-wear was a little less my usual, a nice pair of shorty black satin PJs, I do prefer PJs to nighties, as do most of the women I know, who I can ask.   Many of you will understand the pure peaceful joy I had in going to sleep and waking up the next morning still Paula.   The sole physical manifestation of this was my choice of bed-wear and the pink polish on my nails, but there is something deeper that these are just the outer indications of.


 Anyway I awoke with time to have a leisurely start to the day, even having a cup of tea in bed ~ ah such luxury!   Once dressed I went down to breakfast, this was a buffet arrangement which was very good, and meant that I actually got to talk with quite a few other guests.   I had my laptop with me so after breakfast I could keep up with my cartoon addiction and see what other blogers were up to.

After breakfast I went out onto the terrace, it had been dark and raining when I arrived so I had no idea what wonderful views there were.   While I was outside I had quite a chat with two groups of other guests one couple who had just got married a few weeks before, and were having a complimentary stay in the bridal suite.   There was also an older couple with their daughter I had quite a chat with them, and they took a couple of photos of me, this is one of them.

After that it was time to move on to my next stop, Cardiff.   It should have been a simple matter to get onto the M5 ad then the M4, but somehow I managed to take a wrong turn somewhere and ended up thoroughly lost.   However there are plenty of worse paces to be lost in, I saw some wonderful countryside, and ended up in Bristol and drove along the Avon Gorge under the Clifton Suspension Bridge before joining the M4 and crossing into Wales.   I picked up something for lunch, changed back into drab and spent most of the rest of the weekend with my Mother.

Support

On Saturday evening we have our support group meeting, I plan to be there as I missed last month and I expect to miss next month's meeting.   As well as meeting with like minded ladies for a glass of wine, offering and receiving support we will be discussing a Christmas get together.   Last year I had to miss the dinner that was arranged as I was playing in a concert that night, my diary tells me that I have something on every weekend between now and Christmas so it may be difficult for me again this year.

This coming weekend I will have to do some work on Saturday morning before dashing down to Rochester for an event I need to attend, I hope that this will finish on time so I can get back to Croydon, get changed and make it to the meeting.   As mentioned earlier I am stopping shaving until I go away with the family on the 25th.   That is I am stopping shaving everything except my face.   Although I did have a beard for something like 25 years I do find that I prefer how I look clean shaven (as a man) but more to the point I have a much wider register on the Tuba without a beard.   Anyway, the point is that as I will by Saturday starting to have slightly hairy legs and chest, I will have to be a little cautious as to what I wear.   That having been said as the season is getting cooler being more covered is increasingly attractive.

Order! Order!

Looks like my posts have got out of order, sorry!   In my defense I plead that knowing I was going to very busy from Monday evening onwards I prepared a load of posts in advance and scheduled them for later publication.   It looks like I have scheduled some wrong ~ silly girl getting my dates wrong.

I am also pretty obsessed with going on holiday in 13 days time ~ see what I mean ~ so I have also been preparing some posts that can go up while I am away.   In the mean time life goes on today I was working with my friend S and over lunch I showed her the photos on Paula's Place of my weekend away, as well as several other nice comments, looking at the photos she observed that "many women would kill for legs like that" you can imagine how good that made me feel.   I am now beginning to get a bit hairy and I don't like it, why does chest hair grow faster than anywhere else.  

Tomorrow I will be going to my support group meeting and will have to wear a high neck and opaque tights or jeans to cover up my hairiness ~ ergh.   But the hair is definitely only the cloud on the silver lining of a family holiday, our first for two years.

Homewood bound

In the weeks leading up to my little trip I had allowed my finger nails to grow to a nice elegant length, so was rather disappointed when before arriving at Mum's I had to clean the pink polish off them, somehow for me this is one of my major indications of my femininity, so there is almost a feeling of bereavement when I clean them off.   I think this maybe one of the reasons I often wear clear polish / hardener when I am in drab.   

Anyway it was an uneventful Saturday afternoon and Sunday, and a pretty uneventful Grand Prix after the first lap, still I was pleased that Jenson Button had a good race, it may be a good thing for the Championship that Alonzo had another DNF, but I would have preferred Button to finish ahead of the Red Bulls.   After leaving my Mother's I popped into see my Brother, I had only planned on a quick few minutes to say hi, but ended up staying there a couple of hours.

As soon as I left my Brother's I re-did my nails (this time in dark cherry) and at the first opportunity changed into a dress, I hoped to be back in London in time for some of the comedy event at the Grape and Grain.   It was a long and unpleasant drive, as so often happens the M4 on a Sunday evening is very busy and traffic piles up a bit, especially when I'm in a hurry!

I arrived back at Crystal Palace about ten o'clock ad expected the pub to close at 10:30, but as it was a special night (Comedy and beer festival) they stayed open longer so I had time for a couple of glasses of wine.   As I was leaving I got into conversation with the landlady, a chap who was with her, after a few minutes she left us but he continued to engage me conversation, maybe he was just being friendly but  got the definite impression that he was chatting me up a bit.   Very flattering course, but he was a bit young, a bit small and well, lets remember I am married!   I like to wear jewelry, but the wedding ring is the only bit that is real!

It was a great weekend, and I was very sorry that it had to end, but having said that it was good to be home as well.

Answers

I have just got in from the pub, after a couple of pints with my friend S, I have fired up the laptop, and checked for comments.   Joey asked some questions, he does that, I like this as it shows that he is interested, anyway since I have put myself out into the pubic domain I think "the public have a right to know" so I will do my best.

First yes is it hard to walk in heels, at first.  Like most things there is a technique, and as with everything else practise always makes it easier.   I find that it is not so much the height of the heel that makes it difficult as the width.   If the heel is fairly solid from left to right then the height is not so important, something narrow is much harder to walk in, so the stiletto is definitely the hardest, that's why I rarely try to wear them.   I have one pair of shoes with an almost stiletto that I love, they are comfortable and look great, until I try to walk, they are what a GG friend of mine calls restaurant shoes.   When I was a lot younger and just starting out on this journey I found it quite easy to acquire female garments, shoes were the exception, I suspect that that is one of the reasons that shoes play a big part in my cross-dressing.   The other thought is the one that is encapsulated in the, if you want to understand someone "Walk a mile in their shoes" line.   What ever it is somehow the essence of a female presentation is for me centered on my shoes, they need to be comfortable, feminine, elegant, and yes it helps if I can walk like a lady in them.   It does my self image no good to wear a pair of killer heels and have to walk like a "navvy".

Then again he asked, "Do you get nervous going into restaurants etc. dressed to kill? You look great btw. but I just feel you must have so much confidence to do it. Let's be honest if I walk in dressed in a suit and tie and don't pass, people will just assume I'm butch, which kinda pisses me off but what I'm saying is, it's much easier for me to walk in dressed as I do than for you."

I suppose the simple answer is yes, every time I get out of the van, or go out of the house dressed I am nervous, but I force myself to accept that this is who I am, what is the worst that can happen (actually I don't want an honest answer to that one) and just go for it.   I know that I do not always pass in fact I probable rarely or never pass, but I have made a decision that this is who I am, this is how I dress and if you don't like it then that's your problem.   Having said all that I am still nervous, just like everyone else I do not want to be held up for derision, I want to be accepted, admired, and loved.   Ther is a saying it takes "B*lls to go out dressed like this"

Of course now I am also thinking of Joey in a suit a tie, I think I would probably be more comfortable in my dress, but the more I think about it the more I think it might be interesting if he took me out to dinner, and to see how the civilians reacted to us.   Of course I have to refer you back to my first sentence.......................

Dinner

Dinner was pleasant, but not great, although the other dinners acknowledged my presence no one spoke to me apart from the staff.   This was the only area that let the Hotel down a little I asked for a Kir, then had to explain to the waiter what that is, he came back a while later to apologise that they didn't have any Creme de Cassis, so I ordered a bottle of wine instead, the wine then didn't arrive until after my starter.  The food was OK, unadventurous, plentiful and well cooked.   Dinning alone is nearly always a little disappointing, and the English seem to treat eating as less of an event than other Europeans, where a restaurant dinner will be the evenings entertainment as well.

After dinner I adjourned to the bar for a coffee and Grande Marnier, there was only one other person there and he was did in work, so I sat on own and read.   I was reading "Broke Back Mountain"   I have not seen the film but found this short story very moving, the only other thing I have read by Annie Proulx is "The Shipping News" again and excellent novel that was made into an excellent movie.


Specially for you I spent (wasted) a bit of time today recreating what I wore on Friday night and managed a couple of better photos.   I do like my new shawl I think that it would work well with both of my LBDs as well, maybe helping to cover up those rather muscular shoulders.  The clutch bag is lovely, but a bit small only space for a room key and a lipstick, just right.

Later that night......

Well not so much that night as the evening.  The Hotel was very nice and very welcoming, and the room wonderful, the bed was enormous and the en suite bathroom as big as ours at home.  I took the trouble to unpack my case even though I would only be there the one night, it was so nice to hang up all my dresses and put all my smalls into draws.   Of course I took far too many clothes, but then that allowed me to change my mind.   I knew it would take me some time getting ready so after a cup of tea (I am English after all) I ran myself a bath and settled back into the bubbles and relaxed.    After shaving what had to be shaved I eventually got myself out of the bath and started to get dressed for dinner.   I went with the popular vote and decided to go with the black and silver dress, I have to admit I do love this dress, it is very stylish quite silky and not too short.

I took my time getting ready, again it was nice not to rush, I choose matching bra and panties, and feeling daring got out a pair of ff stockings and a suspender belt, then my black satin teddy.   Having got my undies on I then sat down to do my makeup.   Again it normally seems to be a bit of a rush in order to get the most of any time out I have, so I took my time making sure everything was just how I wanted it.   I normally have trouble with liquid eyeliner but taking my time made all the difference.   I went for a more dramatic "night time" look to go with the dress, and was very happy with the result.   Then the finishing touches of sparkly jewelry and my "crowing glory.   One final decision, which shoes to wear.   I tried on my three options, and in the end decided on these not least on the grounds of comfort.   I tried to take some photos so I could show you all how I looked, unfortunately my photography skills let me down, this was about as good as I could get.

So then I picked up my purse, just a little clasp bag with a big bow, and my new sparkly black stole and down for dinner.

The weekend starts here

I had such a good time over the weekend that I don't quite know where to start so I will go for the traditional approach and start at the beginning.   Friday morning was nice and bright, and for once I was reasonably keen to get up.   I had been in two minds as to whether I should get away as quickly as possible and get changed on the way, or wait until my wife had gone to work and get fully dressed at home.   I opted for the former.

I had sold a some old wheel trims on e-bay to someone near Oxford, as these were quite bulky I decided to deliver them rather than entrust them to a courier, so I got dressed, jeans burgundy cord shirt and Cuban heeled boots and set off.    On my way to Oxford I stopped and put on my makeup and nail polish.   The journey was uneventful and Motorway nearly all the way, only the last part taking my through the Oxfordshire countryside.   It would have been nice to spend some time looking around Oxford, but that is for another day.   After dropping off my parcel I headed South West, much of the journey now being on A roads.   Although not so quick much more fun.   The roads the selves are more interesting to drive on and there is more opportunity to enjoy the views.   Somehow there is more of a sense of being somewhere, rather than just passing by.

I wanted to spend as much time as possible over the weekend as girlie as possible so I got changed en-route putting on my black and grey day dress with some low(ish) heel court shoes, I felt good and I guess looked OK

By the time I reached Wells it was pretty solid rain, this rather limited my sightseeing but I was not going to miss out all together.   I parked up and headed for the City centre and the Cathedral.   As a town I think Wells would reward a longer look on a nice day but the main attraction is the Cathedral.   I arrived just in time to join the three o'clock tour.   everyone n the tour just accepted this rather large middle aged lady, I had conversations with most of them and the guide, and even had a quick argument  discussion on the nature of sainthood.   The guide was more interested in their ancient cock and some of the tombs than me, I think the main points of interest are the ornate carved West front and the unique scissor arches.

These arches look modern in both the freshness of the carving and the cleanness of line, but are in fact a medieval solution to a particular problem with this site.   Built near the wells that give the City it's name the weight of the central tower began to cause the whole structure to subside, these arches allowed the master-mason to brace the structure and spread the load of the tower, a clever engineering solution and a unique and beautiful structure.

As it was raining I just made my way back to the van, via a few charity shops ~ I was tempted by some more shoes but resisted.   Next stop the Hotel, it was only on the way to the hotel that I realised I had come out without a map.   I usually keep a map book in the van but for some reason I only had an A-Z of London with me, not a lot of good in rural Somerset.

I found the Hotel OK booked in without incident or comment (the room was booked in his name) and made my way up to the room.   The room was fantastic, when I opened the door I was totally gobsmacked!   I think the bed alone was as big as our whole bedroom at home.

More of the same

I have had a great weekend, I have just got home (12:05 Monday morning) and I am buzzing. This is in no small thanks to having popped into the Grape and Grain for a quick glass of wine on my way home, where I found myself in the middle of a comedy night, and ended up being chatted up by quite a nice young man.   I cannot believe that he could be in any doubt what kind of girl I am, but I am still very flattered and rather enthralled to find out more.

I know I am treading on dodgy ground here but I may, or may not, pursue this. Anyway back to the weekend ~ I plan to give you a day by day account of my adventure (such as it is) with photos for those of you who like me are into medieval cathedrals.   I think that at the moment all I am in a position to say is.........

TO BE CONTINUED

A quick up date

I will write more when I get home and have more time, but I had a lovely time yesterday, even though it rained for much of the day, I dropped off some stuff I ad sold on e-bay near Oxford and then down to Wells.   I did much of the journey on A roads, avoiding too much time on Motorways, this may have made the journey take a bit longer but it was worth it, in lower stress and better views.   Driving through one is taken back to an earlier age, where maybe there was a England worth fighting for.   Wells itself is well worth the journey.

As it was raining my sight seeing was rather limited but the Cathedral alone is wonderful.   This unique building has a unity lacking from many of our Cathedrals, as it is built primarily in one style (English Gothic) with just a little early decorated.

My hotel is fantastic, they must be making a loss on the what they are charging me, again when I have more time I will write more and post some pictures.   For dinner I followed your choice and wore my black and silver frock with bronze "killer" heels and feeling a bit naughty some seemed black stockings. I knew I was overdressed but I felt sexy and fabulous, and it was fun.   Interestingly I had plenty of time to bath and dress, and I can't remember ever enjoying getting dressed so much.   It was so nice t have the time get my makeup just right, spend the time getting everything adjusted just so.   Sometimes I underrate these small pleasures, but it helped make this a special night.

TO BE CONTINUED

Looking forward to the morning

Well, it looks like I'll be wearing my black and silver cocktail dress tomorrow night, that is unless I decide to ignore the vote and go with something else.   I will be taking all three dresses, and a variety of shoes.   I am now quite excited, I have been thinking about the trip pretty much all day, finding it hard to concentrate on work.

In theory I should have Internet access tomorrow evening from the Hotel so I hope to be able to post from there, maybe with some nice pictures of Wells.

Shoes, Boots, and shopping

If you haven'tvoted yet, please do time is running out.

Meg tells me that in the USA 25% of women have 50 or more pairs of shoes, that sounds like an awful lot of shoes to me, then I stared to think about how many pairs I have and I soon got to over a dozen.   Then today I got seduced into buying another pair.   I was in a different High Street and felt obliged to look round their charity shops, in the Cancer Research shop I hit lucky and came out with a nice black evening shawl (I may have a use for that very soon) a plain black cotton cardi, and my most outrageous shoes yet.

I was in guy mode so only slipped then on, rather than a proper try on.   They are more silver than shows in this photo s I though they woudl go nicely with my black and silver cocktail dress, which I will probably be wearing for dinner on Saturday night.   Getting the home and trying them on properly I find I can't do up the strap, other wise they fit and feel fine, I will try to put in an extra hole nearer the end of the strap and see if that helps, if not it looks like I will have to wear these....


Or these.....

Or maybe these

Of course these day I find that I am wearing boots a lot of the time.   I like boots and very nearly bought another pair today.   I saw a pair of nice brown flat healed knee high boots and another pair of Black "riding" boots, both apparently in my size.   They were both a bit more than I would normally pay and as I couldn't really try them on I decided not to bite.   Now I suspect I woudl have been better off with the than the shoes I did buy.

Anyway, these are my favorite boots 

 

 

Although I do like these

 

And These

 

 

 

But these are ones I seem to spend most time wearing.

Obsessed and rambling

Got in a good day's work today, this did mean getting wet a couple of times but that was OK, it was good to get my hands dirty and get some proper solid gardening work done.   Of course the down side of getting my hands dirty is just that.   Now the temperature is falling and the soil is wet my hands really dry out, I seem to need about half a bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion each evening.   The soil gets into the skin and under the nails.   I have allowed my nails to grow a bit more than usual as I would really like them to be nice for my weekend.   I should be able to get my hands clean and a nice nail polish should cover any signs of dirt under the nails, but I will admit to worrying about them.

In fact I am pretty obsessed at the moment with my weekend away.   I have wanted to go to Wells for years, so I am looking forward to seeing the Cathedral and the City, but now I am looking forward to a Paula day as much or even more.   Just the idea of spending a whole day dressed to please no except me, doing things I really enjoy, in nice places, is so exciting.   The Hotel looks as though it will be very nice, with a decent restaurant, spending the night there should be fun, maybe a drink before dinner, possibly even a Grand Marnier with a coffee afterwards, and, the chance to go to bed and wake up Paula as well.   That will be a rare treat, to not have to clean off the nail polish and get back into drab at the end of the day.

In case it isn't obvious I am a little bit obsessed with this trip, I am worrying about what to wear, what to pack, what time to leave home, I am also worrying about getting the "transit of delights" ready for the journey.   It has crossed my mind that since my last van was called Gloria Monday, maybe I should name this one Gloria Tuesday

Please vote for your preferred dress, in the mean time I might relax a little tomorrow as I have an appointment booked with my osteopath.

Hair today

First of, please vote in  my little poll on the right, to will help me decide which dress I will wear o Saturday night.

This year I have got into the habit of regular, thorough shaving.   I'm not just talking about my face here, but my chest, legs, tummy, arms, pits etc. etc. basically I have developed a big down on body hair.   Certainly it is not lady like to be too hairy, but I seem to have gone a bit overboard and have been keeping bits clean shaven that no one is ever going to see.

This is how I will look on holiday

That has got to stop.   At the end of the month we will be going on our first family holiday for a couple of years, we will be going to Malta where it will still be very warm and I will be expected (and indeed will want to) take off my shirt, wear shorts and swim in the hotel pool.  

I think that if I stop my excessive shaving regime after this weekend I should be OK.   I do have a support group meeting the weekend after next, but I will have to wear a polo neck and jeans for that, other than that I will not be dressing until after I get back from holiday.

For some reason chest hair seems to grow quicker than any other area but with four weeks to go I should have a decent covering of fuzz all over.   It seems a bit strange but I am rather dreading this, especially my pits!   While I don't anticipate any real discomfort I know there will be a stage when the hair will start to itch, and with it being everywhere that could be rather difficult.   Maybe I should just treat the experience in the same way as a "method" actor preparing for a role, after all I will be spending a whole week acting as a man, and a man on holiday at that

Packing

At the moment I have a good idea of what I will be wearing on Friday, I am planning on my grey and black dress, unless the weather is very bad, and on Saturday I think it may well be my skinny jeans, but it is what to wear o Saturday night that I am undecided.   I have three basic choices, one of my two LBDs or my black and silver cocktail dress.

Day wear for Friday



An alternative

LBD no. one

LBD no. two

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Black and Silver

I have added a poll  so please use it to tell me which of these dresses I should pack.   I only want t take one case, and that will have to have everything I want in it, so I don't want to take much that I won't be wearing.   Vote, help me decide. 

 

 

 

 

A Day Out

Wells Cathedral

Since it is pouring with rain here and I can't get on with any work outdoors, I have bitten the bullet and booked an Hotel for Friday night.    As I mentioned here I have arranged a day off to visit Wells Cathedral, I am hoping that this will be a nice leisurely day, I may go via Oxfordshire as I have just sold something on e-bay and it may be easier to deliver than pack up and send, after that I will make my way down to Wells, lunch and then I will spend some time looking around the Cathedral and the City.   As this is the smallest city in the Country I hope that around four hours will be enough.

The Hotel

The Hotel is only a short drive away from Wells, I will be staying at the Best Western, Webbington Hotel. This is a Country House style hotel which looks rather good, I managed to get a decent deal and am looking forward to a good night at the end of a good day. Now I have to start thinking about my packing, which of course means planning what I am going to wear!   As the place looks a bit posh I am thinking about dressing up a bit for dinner, maybe my LBD, it is a little short but I don't get many chances to try for a bit of glamour.

Saturday morning I will be travelling on to Cardiff to spend the weekend with my Mother.   I trust that having a nice relaxing Friday and a short drive in the morning will give me time to do a little shopping before getting to Mum's for lunch on Saturday, and make me a bit more relaxed when I get home on Sunday night, and ultimately for my holiday at the end of the month.

In the mean time I have to get through what is looking like an increasingly hectic week.

Fashion