Looking Back 1

Yes it's that time year, the tie when we look back over the last year and see how we have done, did we live up to our aims, what did we do right and where did we go wrong.   Try to assess the bad as well as the good, and through that try to see where we go next.

Just over a year ago I listed six resolutions so lets see how I did

1. To achieve solvency - Fail, I am slightly less broke than I was a yea ago, but still up to my (very nicely shaven) armpits in it.
2. To take of one day each month solely for my own edification - Fail I have been to some very good and interesting exhibitions, but I have not managed the regularity I had hoped for, I will continue to try to do this as when I do I do find it helps.
3. To spend quality time with my wife, to restore our relationship and to get better at communicating - Fail, big time on every count.   I gave up conducting my local Brass Band to have more time, somehow it was never going to be enough, I think I never really understood what our relationship was actually based on, and the only thing that we have managed to communicate between us is that my wife no longer wants to be with me.   well as they say some you lose, and some you lose.
4. To enjoy Paula, but not let her take over - not sure how I have done here, a year ago I knew Paula was an important part of me, a part I could not suppress but was fearful that she might take over and that somehow I would lose some of what is the essential me.   I was not prepared to kill off Paul to allow Paula to take over.   I have spent a lot more time as Paula, I have enjoyed that time, as always I have felt a sense of loss when I have cleaned off the make up and got changed, I don't think this is about the clothes or the make up, I think it is about me being authentic.   For a long time now I have been saying that this is not something I do, it is something I am.   I am now reassessing what that means, what it means to be trans gendered, and more to the point what it means to me.   I think that I no longer spend time as Paula, I am just as much (or possibly more) Paula as I am Paul it's just that sometimes I wear different clothes.   Now I need to work out what if anything I am going to do about it.
5. To perform as Paula - yeh at last I can put up a big Success! I have played with the LGSO on several occasions, I have played with the LSW band and more recently I have played with the Pelly Orchestra.   In many, many ways these concerts have been the highlights of my year.
6. To play more music - some success, I have been listening more I have managed to retune y radios so that on occassion they will now play Radio 3 and Classic fm, but there is just so much music and so little time.

So some limited success, the previous year I managed to achieve five out of my six resolutions, maybe I set the bar too high.