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Naturally as time went on things evolved, I find that these days Paula's place is less and less a blog about being trans, much more it's about being me. What I get up to and what I feel about things, in other words it's about me, not about one aspect of being me. While this makes for a more interesting blog it is also a reflection of how I have changed myself, as I have spread my wings, gone out into the world and started to have real world experiences, doing the things that I do, making music, visiting galleries and gardens, social gatherings and shopping trips that include groceries and not just clothes.
Nearly always when I first started to go out, I would create an opportunity, this would be something outside of my usual life, a special shopping trip, a visit to a coffee shop, anything. But it was always on my own and it was never productive. Sure it was fun, a release, a chance to express myself, but somehow not fully satisfying and not really part of the real world not least because I was also always on my own. That meant the only people I ever spoke with were sales assistants, and although invariably friendly this is hardly the basis for serious social interchange!
Next I joined a support group, met others in similar positions or at least at a different point on the same road. This helped to give me more confidence, to build a better idea of who I am as a woman. As I said in my last post music has always been a key essential in my life, so I joined the LGSO and started to play as Paula. This was a major step forward as I was not only the sole bass trombone, I was also the sole representative of the T in LGBT!
Nonetheless all this pushing of my comfort zone, I was still very much in the closet, I was making the closet bigger all the time but I was still inside. It is only more recently since I have stared to play with other orchestras, and to come out to more of my friends that I am beginning to get real world experience. So far nearly all of that experience has been positive, I am impressed with how accepting the majority of people are, if they care few show it, and most of those who do are positive.
Normally going to a new orchestra all I have to worry about is how well I will play, compared to the others there. It feels just as out of place to be much better than others as it is to be much worse. Generally I like to be just a little worse than the rest of the section, then they will help me improve. I am now throwing another level of acceptance / stress into the mix I do not fool myself that anyone will think that I am anything other than trans, so it is a question of how they react, at the Pelly Orchestra the one "Civilian" group I have played with so far no one cared how I looked as long as I didn't frighten the children and could play my instrument. Having said that I did already know some of the players and the conductor. When I play with the Euphonia Orchestra soon I will know no one there, and I haven't warned them of my status, it will be interesting to see what sort of reception I get, it will also be interesting to see what standard they are. I am currently resisting committing to more than one concert ~ just in case we don't suit each other.
Note; ~ I have just heard I did not get the post I auditioned for the other day, I was right they selected my friend Katrina, and I think they made the right choice, and they will suit each other very well. I am quite looking forward to playing with the band again "under her baton".
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